The Creation of Cark It Café: A Death Café with a Twist
How did I get here? How did Cark It Café come into being?
It all started with my dad, who received a multiple myeloma blood cancer diagnosis in January 2013. End-of-life planning was hardly ever discussed—not even by his oncologist. Sure, Dad had a Will, and we knew he wanted to be cremated and wasn’t religious, but beyond that, there were no meaningful conversations about what he truly wanted for his final days except that he hated hospitals.
In his last year, as it became clearer, he was getting closer to the actual dying bit, but we still struggled to get a conversation going about the dying process and death. Nobody told us what to expect at the end of his life. I couldn’t get him to even look at an advanced care directive. Once in the emergency ward a nurse asked if he had one and he said no and he didn’t want to do one.
On reflection I feel like they should just make it practice that from the onset of a diagnosis like this, even if you could live another 20+years the Advanced Care Directive should be mentioned by their doctor as just a thing everyone should have.
One day when he was particularly frail, he said to me, “I might need you to sell the house for me and move me into care.”
“Do you have a power of attorney?” I replied. He said no.
I asked if I should arrange it, and he agreed I should, and gave me his lawyer's number to sort it out. (Who would have known that after dad’s death that the lawyer would turn out to be a lowlife misogynistic @#%er who tried to rip us off & only had his greedy interests at heart, but that’s another story, perhaps another blog about Death, Wills & Lawyers).
A few days later, he felt better, and the lawyer called to schedule a meeting for the paperwork, he’d come to Dad. Dad’s response? “I’m not dying yet.” Three months later, he passed away.
Dad hated hospitals, so after he was discharged we cared for him at home and honoured his wish to die there. In a strange way, COVID offered some unexpected positives—work ceased, giving us the time we needed to focus entirely on his care. The palliative care team provided a crash course in Palliative Home Care 101, with 24/7 phone support.
Three intense weeks after coming home, on April 12, 2020, Dad died at home.
Even before his death, I knew I wanted to create a performance based on my experience navigating his end-of-life journey. I never anticipated that my research would lead me to train as a Death Doula.
During the course I learned about so many things I wish I’d known earlier—like the option of cardboard coffins, the ability to keep a body at home for up to five days (if you want to), and direct cremation. Suddenly, I found myself talking about death all the time, eager for any conversation on the subject. When I shared that I completed my studies on my personal Facebook page, friends began reaching out with questions. I ran a couple of online death cafés and even put out a call to interview people and explore the topic: “Is talking about death still taboo?”
And that’s pretty much when Cark It Café was born—a death café with a twist. I needed the imagery to be fun! In my mind I saw a skeleton sipping tea or bubbles while wearing a rainbow flower boa, so I reached out to my friend Janice Art to bring this idea to life. The result was 2 gorgeous pieces of artwork that perfectly captured the essence of this project—showing that these conversations don’t have to be grim.
I wanted Cark It Café to be both informative and open conversation like the traditional death cafés. So I launched an online seven-part series about creating your own “Destination Death Folder.” My belief is that if you’re comfortable planning your own end-of-life documents and learning about the topic and what’s available, you’ll be better equipped to support others through these conversations and these experiences. The unknown can be scary, which is why we learn about it—to take the fear out of it, or at least to lessen the fear. The more death literate we are, the better the dying experience can be.
As the chaos of COVID began to subside, work picked up again, and life sped up. As a creatrix, hoopologist, sole trader, performer/gig worker, I had to seize the opportunities as they came. But I’m still here for these important conversations. Friends still call me and I still go to webinars when I can about end of life planning and support.
I'm excited to continue exploring how Cark It Café can evolve and transition into the death and dying space that I like to call the “Deathosphere”, through an artistic, performative, and informative lens.
P.S. A huge shout-out to my sister Lisa Hansenns, the genius behind the name! She was brainstorming for a cabaret night and needed a unique title. That’s when she landed on “Cark It Cabaret.” Brilliant, right? I immediately thought it was perfect for this project, and after a little sibling sparkle (and perhaps a chocolate bribe), she agreed to let me use it for “Cark It Café”. Woohoo!